Friday, January 21, 2011
Well I have made it through the first 2 weeks of school and I am still here. I miss all of you and have tried to keep up with you as well as I can in between studying for Adv. Patho., Pharm., Lab, Skills, and 2 more religion classes. I go to a private Catholic College so Learning in the Dominican Tradition and Intro. to Christian Beliefs are classes that I am able to take.
We have had 1 major test and 4 quizzes in 2 weeks. Out of those grade, I made 3 A's, yes I made an A on my first test, and 2 B's. I was going to write at the end of last week but I was so overwhelmed I decided not to. This week I am a little more accustomed to the schedule and the expectations as well.
There have been a few days that I have felt overcome with grief. It's so hard to allow myself to go with it since I have to sit through 4 hour long lectures. There are a few classmates that I have gotten close to and THANK GOD they are so encouraging. I am very lucky to have made friends with 2 of the most compassionate ladies I have ever met. After sharing what we have gone through after Michaels death, they have really embraced me and my grief. Last week was hard and there were a few days that I was just so upset, but these girls really stepped up and gave me the hugs I needed and shoulders to cry on. I was able to open up to them and express the emotions I was having at the moment I was having them. It was a relief and a blessing.
I have known one of the girls for over a year, so they aren't total strangers. Her name is R. She is a breast cancer survivor and we hung out a few times while I was pregnant and during her chemo and radiation treatments. The other girl, her name is B, and I hit it off right away. You know there are just some people you can connect with. Needless to say, they have been placed in my life for a reason.
So, one of my other classmates is pregnant and has a few children already. For me, it's not a big deal, well it wasn't a big deal until she started making comments about being an incubator and not a mother. This just so happened to take place on one of my sad days, so I am sure I was hypersensitive. I really wanted to say something but I decided it would be better if I didn't. I wasn't mad and it didn't hurt my feelings. I really can't explain how it made me feel, but I remember that I didn't like it. Maybe I was envious of her. Jealous of what I didn't have anymore. Now every time I hear her talking, I cringe.
It's been 5 months since we met Michael and had to say goodbye at the same time. I still feel like it was a dream. I was taking a bath last night after a pretty long day. As soon as I started to splash water onto my stomach and chest I realized why I had not taken a bath in such a long time. Michael loved the water! I was a pretty avid swimmer and took a ton of Water Aerobics classes during my pregnancy. He always got really active when I was in the bath tub or swam. Taking a bath was always really special for me. I would sing to him because it was the only time I thought I had a pretty singing voice, so I would sing my little heart out to him while pouring water onto my expanding belly. Just watching him move to the sound of my voice and the water was the ultimate bonding experience for me. M would always come into the bathroom if he heard us and would join in too. Well I wasn't singing last night, but I guess out of habit he came into the bathroom while I was in the bath. As he was sitting next to me, I could see the tears in his eyes. He was looking at my body, my stomach.
The place where our son was for 9 months, was now, no longer there. The domicile for our precious baby boy that M had connected with on a daily, no hourly basis was in fact gone. I know I have said this before but Dads have to have it the worst. We, as women have the chance to physically bond with our children, where men only get to see our bodies change. They have to somehow process the correlation of our growing wombs and belly's, to the arrival of their long awaited son/daughter in order to build any kind of physical relationship with them. Granted there are other ways they can bond, but the most tangible and realistic has to be the divine metamorphic properties of the mothers body.
That was the first time we had been in the bathroom, in the tub together since Michael was born. There were no more sounds of me singing or vast movements of my swollen belly because the reason for both of these was now in the arms of God. The little life that M and I had spent so much time with in that tub was not there anymore. He is gone, along with a huge part of our hearts. UGGH! I could see the hurt and surprise on M's face. I don't think he quite expected that heavy of a reaction to take place inside of him. But neither did I! We didn't have to say anything to one another. Like a perfectly orchestrated movement, I lifted myself out of the water as he went to get my towel. In perfect silence he helped me out of the bath and into bed. We both laid down together and were heartbroken all over again, experiencing the same exact emotions at the same time. Even though it was brutally painful, it was so beautiful how in sync our hearts were. It is just amazing how much communication can take place in silence, especially with someone you are so connected to.
I miss my little boy more and more each day, but I know God has a plan for us and for him as well. Only faith can get us through this and onto the next phase of our lives. I remember I blogged a post a few months ago the said FUCK HOPE, I want my son back. This is not that post today. I do have hope, some days. That is what keeps us going I think. Faith, HOPE and Charity...these are the 3 virtues that allows us to share in God's nature. Not to be all preachy but this has helped me come to be at peace at little more.
Read the Next Blog Post: Missing Him Never Goes Away
Read my birthing story: The Story of Michael's Life
Read more from Leanne on her blog: Longing, Living, Loving